Jeeeeeeesus. This week has been hell. Firstly, it's the week before exams. So of course, everyone's running around like chickens with their heads cut off, not knowing what to do or how to do it. So there's a bit of secondhand anxiety for me there. Ya'll need to chill. And (yet another) update on our senior project. We've been making progress, I think? We've finalized the sketch, and we're literally waiting for them to call us down and talk about it. I personally am antsy to the point of giving up. We've changed the idea so many times, and it seemed like they were just continually splitting hairs. Fingers crossed. Then, on top of that, I've been crazy stressed at home too. We've started packing, and we even started taking our things to Neil's dads. We're only supposed to be staying for a month or two so we can save up enough to have our own place without a roommate. But I worry that we'll just end up stuck there. Not to mention his dad sprang some pretty crappy news on us last minute. His newest girlfriend has moved in with him!! Oh, and that's not all!! Her 5 year old and 10 month old moved in too!!! OH BOY!!!!! Yippee. So yeah, icing on the cake. But on a brighter (?) note at least I'll have new classes in a week or so, so I have an upcoming fresh start. I'm very thankful for fresh starts.
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This week was phenomenal, honestly. With the weather giving us a (brief) break, I was finally able to get myself out of the house. I was both honored and excited when Destry and I went to pick out his first longboard, for a multitude of reasons. Firstly because I finally have someone as hype about it as me, so that's cool. But also because I'm confident it'll be beneficial to both of our mental as well as physical health. Unfortunately it's a bit rainy and grey today, but it's been a very good time of reflection for me. I spent my second hour discussing various life experiences with our substitute teacher, and it was very eye opening. I genuinely enjoy learning, in general, yes, but more specifically I enjoy learning about the different perspectives and opinions people develop and hold, as well as why they feel the ways that they do. It's truly astonishing, the things that we humans put each other through. But just as amazing is the things we accomplish when we put our efforts together. As mentioned in my previous posts, I'm very confident that, as the trimester winds down, I will accomplish my grade goal. I'm so close to having all A's for the first time in my educational career. I know I mention it a lot. Honestly, my friends are sick of hearing me talk about it. But nobody quite understands how much that means to me. Up until this point in my life I was never given the opportunity to find out my true potential. And now that things, to most other 17 year olds, are essentially harder than ever, I'm succeeding with flying colors. I now have to worry about rent and clothing and food and water, things that most kids have taken care of. But I'm completely okay with that challenge solely because I'm surrounded by positive, nontoxic, supportive individuals. I dunno. It just baffles me. This week was uneventful, aside from the usual Valentine's Day hype. For the most part I'm continually content with my life as it is currently. Which, in it's own way, is a sigh of relief. The trimester is closing in on its ending, and I'm okay with that for once. It's crazy how much keeping up with your grades on a daily basis can make a difference. Some days I deeply wish that I could've done this sooner, but I'm trying to focus on keeping myself grounded. I'm excited for the upcoming trimester, but at the same time I want time to slow down. In a matter of months I'll have completed high school, and I'll begin (yet another) new chapter in my life. I'm anxious, yet excited. Most days I'm mostly terrified. Haha. For now I'm trying to focus on the obstacles nearest ahead instead of fretting about the future. Overall this week was great. I spent a couple days with a long-lost friend, I got my priorities in check, and I'm happy. What more could I ask for? We've mostly just continued reading our novels, as well as work on our comprehension skills. I personally don't see what the end result is going to be, which makes it harder to focus, but I'm trying to be trusting and simply go with the flow of things. I do think it'd make the projects a bit easier if I knew the purpose to the things we're currently doing in class, however. But perhaps I'm the only one who feels that way. Outside of school things are...eh? They're fine. I guess I can confidently say that I'm well settled into the living-on-your-own lifestyle. I've finally allowed myself to enjoy the new experiences instead of dwell on potential mistakes, and so that in itself is pretty freeing. This week I've also been really thinking about my (our?) senior project. I had the idea to do a coexistence mural for it, and I invited my best friend of five years to help me with it. He has amazing artistic abilities that compliment mine wonderfully, so I have no doubt that we could get it done and be very content with it. However, I was slightly discouraged when Mr. Shoenborn advised us against it. Well, correction. He didn't actually say "hey, that's not a good idea,' but that's just kinda how I felt about it. It made me doubt the project altogether, despite my original excitement. Would we be able to get it done on time? Will we even get approval for it? It would be a big risk considering senior projects count for a large portion of your grade, and Destry's grade especially would be endangered because the project would have to stretch through two trimesters. I also worry that if it doesn't turn out well enough I won't finish out with the straight A's that I've been working my ass off to get. Sigh. I suppose I'll take this final weekend to consider it and get some outside opinions. Hmm. Well this week was pretty great honestly. Academically I've gotten things back in order. I finalized my schedule for next trimester, I got the few assignments done that were a bit overdue, and I actually managed to be here every day of the week (which doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment to most, but I've been focusing on the little things). And on top of it all I've pulled my grades back up to all A's. I'm so proud of myself for that specifically. Things outside of school have managed to be pretty great as well. I took this week to kind of separate myself from the habit I'd been falling into (having friends over after school too often=falling behind), which was much needed. I've been doing a good job keeping myself occupied but not overwhelmed. It feels good. Neil also had most of the week off (which could be part of why it was such a good week) so we finally managed to get a lot of things accomplished around the house that were far overdue. As overwhelmed as I was in the first month or so of living out on my own I still find myself immensely thankful for the opportunity and all of the experiences I've had. I've bettered myself in ways that I never would've imagined, and for the first time in years I can look myself in the mirror and truthfully say that I am happy. It may not be smooth sailing from here on out--I expect another hurricane or two. But I am confident in my sea legs and hopefully destined for the beautiful horizon set before me. I've got this. Jesus, where to begin. Well this week has been a friggin rollercoaster. Seems to be a common trait in my life heh heh. But yeah. Socially speaking I've never been so angry with people. I don't understand why people act the way they do, and despite thinking otherwise, I don't care to. I've lost so much faith in humanity. Academically speaking, however, I'm doing great. I've managed to keep all A's, which means a lot to me not only because it's the first time ever that I've been able to do so, but also because I'm finally able to see my true potential without it being clouded by my home life. I'm proving to myself and everyone else along the way just what I'm capable of, and it feels great. I plan to keep it that way and finish strong no matter what life throws at me. I've got this. I took a mental health day yesterday in hopes of regaining some of my self control. I got a lot of my school work done that I've been meaning to get to, so that was a wonderful feeling. Buuuuuuut it didn't actually help my mental health all that much. I came back to school today and small things that generally wouldn't bother me have drove me nuts. I almost got into a fight with some kid I don't even know simply because he's been messing with my friends. I cannot stand when people walk all over others for their own personal gain. Why can't we all just have good vibes? I don't get it. Oh, boy. Where to begin? This week was wonderful. After having a week and a half off of school I was able to take a much needed mental break. I worked through a lot of problems that had been building up, and despite my plentiful doubts I started the New Year on a much, much brighter note. Educationally speaking I feel I'm doing a bit better as well. I was extremely stressed about our "I Believe' project before the break. I wasn't entirely confident in my ability to share it with the rest of the class, mostly because it was the first time I'd willingly shared my life story with my peers. Plus the original deadline seemed to be racing toward me and I felt I had no time to accomplish anything at all. But after setting aside time over break and working harder to hold my focus I was able to get quite a bit of work done. That is, until the school computer decided not to save any of it. Guess you could say I was a bit upset. Luckily I have the resources at home to work on it (which is a new thing I'm working on getting used to; I actually have everything I need for once!) and I was able to get it done. I'm finally allowing myself to be happy, and I'm proud. I'm confident things are looking up for me, and I'm ready to do what I need to make that happen and be successful on my own terms. God, this week was rough. We had a snow day on Monday, and that threw me off completely. This week I've noticed that I'm an extremely obsessive person. Yes, it definitely has it's perks. It's like extreme perfectionism for me. But it's also causing a lot of problems. I can't seem to get things done in a timely manor becuase I'm obsessing over details. Before this week I'd never had reason to notice the patterns, and I think I might talk to Mrs. Mielke about that as well. The thought of me having OCD on top of my other problems is both terrifying and relieving all at once. Anyways, yeah, the snow day threw me off. I knew that I'd be missing Wednesday, but after the long weekend I (compulsively) just decided to take Tuesday off to help my boyfriend with some errands before we had to go out of town. That was stupid. I had originally planned on using the day to get my schoolwork for Wednesday from my teachers, but instead I just screwed myself over and ended up with two days worth of work, on top of the assignment I forgot last week. I also noticed that the more I avoid my problems at school, the more I avoid the ones at home. The more I avoid, the more my depression acts up, and that's when everything starts to feel like it's crumbling. Even when I constantly remind myself that it's not. Usually I can recognize the signs of a bad week/day/time beforehand, but it's hardest to pull myself up and dust myself off when I've been laying in the mud for so long. I just need to learn to stay out of the pig pen. Weeeeeeeeeeeelllll. Last week was good. I think? The substitute teacher we had on Friday didn't say anything to us but her name, so it slipped my mind completely that we needed to get our weekly blog done. I think my grade probably took a bit of a shot for that one. I would have gotten it done but I was too excited about the plans I had for the weekend to focus on schoolwork. I need to work on my focus overall. Other than that, last week was great. I had gotten caught up with my schoolwork, I was excited for the project we're working on in here, and I was overall gaining more confidence in my new home. Time seems to be off for me lately. I have a hard time remembering things that took place a week, sometimes even a day ago. I'm not sure how I should go about dealing with that. I also should have found time to talk to my counsellor. I avoided my problems last week to try and make my weekend better, but in the midst of avoidance I really just set myself up for twice the stress. This week was a bit rough for me. I struggled with the new schedule and ended up hitting a few bumps along the way. And, unfortunately, with those bumps came missing a couple days of class. It didn't really effect me academically, but it still bothered me nonetheless. I ended up missing most of the lessons in this class, which made it difficult for me to relate with the other students as I had missed vital information that couldn't be found in a textbook. I'm also finding that the biggest controversies I face are with myself, despite my insistence of otherwise. My initial judgments for this class have gradually changed throughout the week, and with that I've also been noticing how judgmental I really am. This realization was actually pretty unnerving to me, because I've spent a majority of my time trying to avoid passing judgment altogether. Hopefully now that I'm aware of the problem it'll be easier to correct. I've also (finally) began to realize that it really is okay to seek help, despite the cliches that come with doing so. Sometimes I just need to suck up my pride and get things done, because that's really what being an adult is about, right? On a side note, the bitter child part of me is super unhappy lately because this growing up part of me is realizing the people who raised me were right about a lot of things. Who'da thought? The irony is almost too much for me. So, at least for now, I'm thoughtfully sarcastic, happily unhappy, and cautiously optimistic. |